57 FAMILY VIOLENCE AWARENESS History of Abuse Past experiences of abuse can lower a woman’s selfesteem and cause her to feel inferior to others. These feelings make many women particularly vulnerable to remaining in an abusive relationship. The more abuse a woman experiences, the more her sense of selfworth and a belief in her own abilities are destroyed and the more hopeless or powerless she may feel. Often, women who do attempt to leave feel overwhelmed by fear and uncertainty; if options are limited, women may feel forced to return. If this happens, her inability to stay away from the abusive relationship further impacts her selfesteem and adds to her feeling of powerlessness. Religious/Cultural Norms Many women (particularly new immigrants and refugees) feel intense cultural pressure to stay with their partner, even if it is an unhappy or abusive relationship. Some women also have stronglyheld religious beliefs about marriage and the traditional roles of men and women; in many cases, they do not believe leaving their relationships is an option. Conflicted Feelings Towards Self Women who have experienced abuse may feel that what they have experienced is their fault; this may lead to feelings of shame, guilt, helplessness and low selfesteem. Some women don’t feel they deserve to be loved and don’t know what love looks like in a healthy relationship. Related to these feelings is how a woman may see her role and duties as a mother. Some women do not want to disrupt their children’s lives by leaving an abusive relationship. Others fear they cannot provide for their children if they are on their own. Many women want to give their children a twoparent home and are concerned about what would happen if they were to go through a custody battle. Conflicted Feelings Towards Her Partner Women who have been in an abusive relationship often have conflicted feelings about their partner. This is because their partner is not typically violent all the time; there may be periods of time where he is kind and loving. Many women hope and believe that he will change. Women can love their partner and want to believe the promises they hear; they want the abuse to stop, but they don’t want the relationship to end. Other women feel genuine concern for their partner’s wellbeing. They may be concerned about his substance abuse, his threats of selfharm, or his mental health. They worry what will happen to him if he goes to jail. They may also be worried about how others (e.g., family, friends, and coworkers) will view him if details of the abuse are made known. All these feelings are common and normal. www.fvps.ca Why do women stay in abusive relationships? continued
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