35th Annual Crime Prevention Guide

Teenagers Drug Abuse Awareness Prince Edward Island Police Association 35TH ANNUAL CRIME PREVENTION GUIDE FAMILY VIOLENCE AW RENESS

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1 FAMILY VIOLENCE AWARENESS

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3 FAMILY VIOLENCE AWARENESS EXECUTIVE MEMBERS Sgt. Pat Daley Treasurer Cst. Mark Newcombe Director East Cpl. Craig Murphy DirectorWest Cpl. Ron Kennedy Vice-President East Cpl. Grant MacLeod Vice-PresidentWest MESSAGE FROM THE PEIPA PRESIDENT On behalf of the members of the Prince Edward Island Police Association, I am very pleased to introduce our 35th Annual Crime Prevention Guide, which tackles the very difficult topic of Family Violence Awareness to help educate and promote the public’s role in identifying and reporting potential Child and Spousal Abuse. This publication is made possible by the generous contributions and support of many individuals, business owners and organizations throughout the province, and we are very grateful for their contributions that allow us to continue to publish our annual publications that reach PEI’s citizens and educate our communities on a variety of important crime prevention issues. Proceeds are also used to support PEIPA activities and further our Police Association’s community involvement and support, including a donation to Provincial Addictions Treatment Facility Strength Program. Please stay safe! Sincerely, Sgt. Dale Corish President PEI Police Association www.peipolice.com

4 35TH ANNUAL CRIME PREVENTION GUIDE HEAD OFFICE 60 Belvedere Ave., Charlottetown, PE C1A 6B1 902-368-3737 Fax: 902-368-3738 FOLDING CARTON DIVISION Borden, PEI 902-437-3737 Fax: 902-437-3749 CORRUGATE DIVISION Dieppe, New Brunswick 506-389-3737 Fax: 506-389-3738 PROUD TO SUPPORT THE PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND POLICE ASSOCIATION If you or someone you know is impacted by family violence, we can help. 1-800-240-9894 www.fvps.ca

5 FAMILY VIOLENCE AWARENESS TABLE OF CONTENTS 35th Annual Crime Prevention Guide Message from the Premier . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .1 Message from the PEIPA President . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .3 Message from the Mayor of Charlottetown . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .7 Message from the Mayor of Summerside . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .9 Message from the Charlottetown Chief of Police . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .11 Message from the Summerside Deputy Chief of Police . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .13 Publisher’s Message . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .15 PEIPA Supports the Community . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .17 Family Violence Awareness What is Family Violence? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .27 Family Violence Hurts! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .39 Common Myths And Attitudes About Family Violence . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .45 I See Signs Of Violence Or Abuse Happening . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .49 Someone I Know May Be Acting Abusive Or Volent . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .51 I Am AMan Who Wants To End Family Violence . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .53 You Can Help Prevent And Respond To Abuse . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .54 Is My Relationship Healthy, Unhealthy, Or Abusive? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .55 Why Do Women Stay In Abusive Relationships? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .56 How Experiences Of Family Violence Affect Women . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .59 How Experiences Of Family Violence Affect Children . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .60 Make A Safety Plan . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .62 Family Violence Laws . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .63 Specialized Domestic Violence Court Now Up And Running In P.E.I. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .71 Where to find help . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .75 ADVERTISERS’ INDEX . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .79 Need help but don’t know where to start? Call 211 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .80

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7 FAMILY VIOLENCE AWARENESS On behalf of the City of Charlottetown, I wish to congratulate the PEI Police Association on their 35th Annual Crime Prevention Guide. This year’s theme is “Family Violence Awareness”, a topic that unfortunately impacts far too many families within our community. The information made available through the publication of this guide contributes to a broader sense of community safety, health, and well-being of all islanders. It is my sincere hope that this information will be used to broaden the discussions and increase awareness within our community around both child and spousal abuse. In addition, provide victims of family violence the tools required to seek the support they so need. I wish to thank the members of the PEI Police Association for their efforts in producing this guide and wish them well in their future endeavors. Yours Sincerely, Philip Brown Office of the Mayor MESSAGE FROM THE MAYOR OF CHARLOTTETOWN

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9 FAMILY VIOLENCE AWARENESS MESSAGE FROM THE MAYOR OF SUMMERSIDE

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11 FAMILY VIOLENCE AWARENESS MESSAGE FROM THE CHARLOTTETOWN CHIEF OF POLICE As Chief of Police, I want to take this opportunity to speak directly to our community about a deeply serious issue that affects far too many individuals and families: family violence. Family violence can affect anyone - regardless of age, gender, culture, or background. It happens behind closed doors, often in silence, and leaves deep emotional, physical, and psychological scars. No one deserves to live in fear. Raising awareness is just the beginning. As a community, we must all play a role - by educating ourselves, supporting victims, and speaking out against abuse. Together, we can create a safer, more compassionate environment where everyone feels secure in their own home. In closing, I would like to thank everyone involved with Prince Edward Island Police Association, not just for what they do in the community but also their role in making our Island communities a safe and an enjoyable place to live. Sincerely, Brad MacConnell Chief of Police Charlottetown Police Services

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13 FAMILY VIOLENCE AWARENESS MESSAGE FROM THE SUMMERSIDE DEPUTY CHIEF OF POLICE Summerside Police Services are pleased to pledge its continued support for the Prince Edward Island Police Association and its Annual Crime Prevention Guide, now in its thirtyfifth year. The work of the PEIPA, its members and executive, has had positive and farreaching impacts across Prince Edward Island and this year’s guide focusing on Family Violence Awareness will be no exception. The impacts of family violence are devastating and life changing. Whether it be physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, financial abuse or neglect, family violence occurs in all demographics of our population. You may know someone who is experiencing family violence if they: have unexplained injuries or are frequently absent from work or school, withdraw from social activities, or experience sudden changes in behavior. You can support victims by listening and offering help to access resources. Summerside Police Services pledges to continue to work collectively with our community partners to bring awareness and attention to this issue and to eliminate this type of behavior. Jason R. Blacquiere Chief of Police Summerside Police Services

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15 FAMILY VIOLENCE AWARENESS On behalf of the Prince Edward Island Police Association, I would like to take this opportunity to sincerely thank each and every advertiser and sponsor of our Annual Telephone Appeal, allowing this unique publication to be distributed throughout the community, to schools, libraries and public facilities and also available online at www.peipolice.com, making it easily accessible to everyone. The PEIPA publishes an Annual Crime Prevention Guide to educate the public on important community concerns. This 35th Annual Crime Prevention Guide targets the subject of Family Violence Awareness and is designed to help educate and promote the public’s role in identifying and reporting potential Child and Spousal Abuse. This publication is made possible as a result of financial support from residents and business representatives throughout the province. With their generous support for the activities of the PEI Police Association, PEIPA is also able to give back to their communities through donations to various local charities and programs for youth, including a special donation to Provincial Addictions Treatment Facility. We welcome comments or suggestions regarding these publications and always look forward to speaking with you each year during our Annual Telephone Appeal. Respectfully, Mark T. Fenety President Fenety Marketing Services MESSAGE FROM THE PUBLISHER

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17 FAMILY VIOLENCE AWARENESS Sober and Friendly Environment Christmas donation – Cpl. Ron Kennedy Charlottetown Police Services & Sister Laura. PEIPA SUPPORTS THE COMMUNITY Cpl.Tim Keizer Charlottetown Police Services. PEIPA made a donation to Dreams Take Flight. Colonel Gray Classic Basketball Tournament - Cpl. Ron Kennedy Charlottetown Police Services with Colonel Gray players. Charlottetown Police 2024 Christmas Turkey Drive - PEIPA donated 10 turkeys.

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19 FAMILY VIOLENCE AWARENESS PEIPA Major Sponsor to the Tracy Ellsworth Basketball Court - Cpl. Jana Vesey Charlottetown Police Services with West Kent Principal EmilyWaye and Cpl.Tim Keizer Charlottetown Police Services. PEIPA SUPPORTS THE COMMUNITY Sgt Dale Corish of Summerside Police Services, 12-year old fundamentals (multisport) athlete Kelsey Demeulenaere, Cst Amber Dyer, Cst Adam MacDonald, & LETR CO-Chair Forrest Spencer. Sgt Ron MacLean Summerside Police Services next to head coach Abby MacDonald and team. .PEIPA made a donation to U17 Provincial Female Lacrosse. President Dale Corish PEIPA, Megan Jarvis Program Supervisor, Strength Program & Rebecca Jesseman Executive Director, Mental Health and Addictions.

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21 FAMILY VIOLENCE AWARENESS PEIPA SUPPORTS THE COMMUNITY Kensington Police Bicycle Rodeo. PEIPA supporting U13 Abbies.

22 35TH ANNUAL CRIME PREVENTION GUIDE Canadian Tire Store # 20 20 Babineau Avenue Charlottetown, PE C1A 0G1 P 902.892.8584 Locally Owned and Operated Since 1939 91 Euston St., Charlottetown PE C1A 1W3 (902) 628-6282 www.dalmac.ca mdscoating.com Phone: (902) 672-2842 Fax: (902) 672-1327 Toll Free: 1-888-672-2842 www.stanhopegolfclub.com Dr. Chris McCarthy B.Sc., DC Chiropractor and Medical Acupuncture Provider info@collectivehealthine.ca 125 Walker Ave., Summerside, PE C1N 6G3 www.collectivehealthine.ca (902) 436-5438 14 Great George Street, 3rd Floor, Landing Place Charlottetown, PE C1A 4J6 (902) 368-3675

23 FAMILY VIOLENCE AWARENESS Principal Jacqueline Reeves Three Oaks Senior High School with Cst Tessa MacKinnon Summerside Police Services. PEIPA making a donation to Safe Grad. PEIPA SUPPORTS THE COMMUNITY PEIPA sponsoring Kate Matheson with her wrestling pursuits. Cst.Ashley Macintyre Charlottetown Police Services. Mike Connolly, PEI School Athletic Assoc with Cst.Adam MacDonald Summerside Police Services. PEIPA is a 5 year sponsor of the rugby program.

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25 FAMILY VIOLENCE AWARENESS PEIPA SUPPORTS THE COMMUNITY Touch a Truck with Cst Tessa MacKinnon Summerside Police Services Charlottetown Police Service Members Christmas Caroling. PEIPA made a donation to the Inner City Like Skills Camp. Cpl.Tim Keizer Charlottetown Police Services with members from Inner City like Skills Camp.

26 35TH ANNUAL CRIME PREVENTION GUIDE Island Pulp Producers RR#6 Cardigan PE C0A 1G0 (902) 838-4671 islandpulp@hotmail.com “Proud to support our PEI Police Association” MacKinnon Bros. Service Centre 419 Mount Edward Road, Charlottetown, PE Licensed Mechanics Inspection Alignment Brake Service (902) 892-7781 (902) 892-2771 Proud Supporter of the PEI Police Association

27 FAMILY VIOLENCE AWARENESS What is family violence? Family violence is when someone uses abusive behaviour to control and/or harm a member of their family, or someone with whom they have an intimate relationship. Family violence includes many different forms of physical and emotional abuse, as well as neglect carried out by family members or intimate partners. It may include a single act of violence, or a number of acts that form a pattern of abuse. Family violence can have seriousand sometimes fatalconsequences for victims and for those who see or hear the violence. Although the Criminal Code does not refer to specific "family violence offences", many Criminal Code offences could be used to charge someone with acts of family violence. For more information on the criminal laws that could be applied, please see family violence Laws. Forms And Types Of Violence There are many forms of violence, including physical, sexual, emotional and financial abuse. The different forms of abuse can also occur in a range of relationships and contexts. Some examples of various types of family violence are intimate partner violence, child abuse and neglect, elder abuse, violence based on socalled "honour" and forced marriage. Forms Of Violence Family violence is not just physical violence. A person can be the victim of one or more forms of violence or abuse including: • Physical abuse • Sexual abuse • Emotional abuse • Financial abuse • Neglect • Physical abuse continued Designed by Freepik

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29 FAMILY VIOLENCE AWARENESS What is family violence? continued Physical Abuse Physical abuse, including assault, is the intentional use of force against a person without that person's consent. It can cause physical pain or injury that may last a long time. Physical abuse includes: • pushing or shoving • hitting, slapping or kicking • pinching or punching • strangling or choking • stabbing or cutting • shooting • throwing objects at someone • burning • holding someone down for someone else to assault • locking someone in a room or tying them down • killing someone All of these acts are crimes in Canada. Sexual Abuse Sexual abuse of an adult can include: • sexual touching or sexual activity without consent • continued sexual contact when asked to stop • forcing someone to commit unsafe or humiliating sexual acts All sexual contact with anyone without consent is a crime. This includes sexual touching or forcing sexual activity on a spouse, a common law partner or a dating partner. Even when married, a spouse cannot be forced to have sexual contact. There are also special laws to protect children from sexual abuse and from sexual activities that exploit them. Emotional Abuse Emotional abuse happens when a person uses words or actions to control, frighten or isolate someone or take away their selfrespect. Emotional abuse is sometimes called psychological abuse. It can include: • threats, put downs, name calling or insults • constant yelling or criticism • controlling or keeping someone from seeing friends or family • making fun of preventing someone from practicing their faith or religion • destroying belongings, hurting pets or threatening to do so • bullying: intimidation or humiliation (including on the Internet) Many forms of emotional abuse are not crimes but can be signs that the abuse might get worse. Some forms are crimes such as: • threats to harm the person or someone else • criminal harassment (stalking) which involves following or repeatedly contacting a person when they don't want contact and they are afraid. Financial Abuse Financial abuse happens when someone uses money or property to control or exploit someone else. It can involve: • taking someone's money or property without permission • withholding or limiting money to control someone • pressuring someone to sign documents • forcing someone to sell things or change a will Most forms of financial abuse are crimes, including theft and fraud. continued

30 35TH ANNUAL CRIME PREVENTION GUIDE www.skipthewaitingroom.com 854-2011 or 888-7252 King Truck Repair Phillip Lannigan (902) 894-4088 (902) 894-0533 - fax 9 Paramount Dr., Charlottetown PE C1E 0C6 kingtruckrepair@bellaliant.com

31 FAMILY VIOLENCE AWARENESS What is family violence? continued Neglect Neglect happens when a family member, who has a duty to care for you, fails to provide you with your basic needs. This can involve: • not providing proper food or warm clothing • failing to provide adequate health care, medication and personal hygiene (if needed) • failing to prevent physical harm • failing to ensure proper supervision (if needed) Spouses and commonlaw partners have a duty to care for each other. Adults have a duty to care for their dependent children as well as their dependent parents. Some forms of neglect are crimes in Canada, including failure to provide the necessities of life and child abandonment. If a child is neglected, child protection authorities could intervene and remove the child from his or her parents. Types Of Family Violence • Intimate partner violence • Child abuse and neglect • Elder abuse • Violence based on socalled "honour" • Forced marriage • Female genital mutilation Intimate partner violence Intimate partner violence is violence or abuse that happens: • within a marriage, commonlaw or dating relationship • in an oppositesex or samesex relationship • at any time during a relationship, including while it is breaking down, or after it has ended Not all intimate partner violence is the same. In some cases, one person may want power and complete control over their partner and will use different ways (including physical violence) to get it. For example, they try to control things such as: • what that other person can wear • when and where that person can go out • who that person spends time with • when that person can talk to family and friends • what that person can spend money on • whether that person can work or take classes • all aspects of that person's sexual activity This type of abuse almost always gets worse over time. It often leads to serious physical violence and can cause you to have lasting health problems, including posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD). In other cases, both partners may abuse each other. Conflict happens in every relationship, but there are healthy ways to solve problems. Sometimes people use violence instead of solving their problems peacefully. It can be hard to break the pattern of abuse, but it is possible. Child Abuse And Neglect Child abuse includes physical, sexual and emotional abuse. It also includes neglect, and any violence that children see or hear in their families. The person who abuses the child can be: continued Designed by Freepik

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33 FAMILY VIOLENCE AWARENESS What is family violence? continued • a parent • a brother or sister • another relative • a caregiver • a guardian • a teacher • another professional or volunteer who works with children (for example, a doctor or coach) Abuse may take place in a child's home, or it may happen in other places, like other people's homes, schools, community centres or places of worship. Laws to protect children There are federal, provincial and territorial laws to protect children from abuse in the home. Some types of abuse are crimes and are listed in the Criminal Code which is a federal law that applies across Canada. Even if the abuse is not a crime under the Criminal Code, provincial and territorial child protection laws could be used to stop the abuse. There are also special laws to protect children from sexual abuse and from sexual activities that exploit them. Child sexual abuse happens when a person takes advantage of a child for sexual purposes. Sexual abuse of a child includes: • any sexual contact between an adult and a child under 16 years of age • any sexual contact with a child between the age of 16 and 18 without consent • any sexual contact that exploits a child under 18 Any sexual contact between an adult and a child under 16 is a crime. In Canada, the age of consent for sexual activity is 16, but there are some exceptions if the other person is close in age to the child. In addition, children under 18 cannot legally give their consent to sexual activity that exploits them. Sexual activities that exploit a child include prostitution and pornography. They also include situations where someone in a position of authority or trust, or someone the child depends on, has any kind of sexual activity with the child. A person of authority or trust could be a parent, stepparent, grandparent, older sibling, teacher or coach. If a child is sexually abused at home, child protection services could intervene and remove the child from his or her parents. Child Witnesses To Family Violence Children who witness family violence are at risk for both short and longterm harm. Even if they don't see or hear the violence, they can be affected by hearing or seeing the results of the violence. They can have emotional, behavioural and developmental problems. These problems can last a long time. They are also at risk of developing posttraumatic stress disorder. Exposing a child to family violence can be grounds for child protection intervention under provincial and territorial child protection laws. Designed by Freepik continued

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35 FAMILY VIOLENCE AWARENESS What is family violence? continued Elder Abuse Elder abuse is any action, behaviour or failure to act, by a person in a position of trustlike an adult child, family member, friend or caregiverthat causes or risks causing harm to an older adult. Elder abuse includes: • physical, sexual or emotional harm • damage toor loss ofproperty or assets Elder abuse covers a whole range of behaviours including • hurtful comments • dominating or controlling an older adult's activities • isolating an older person from family, friends or regular activities • unduly pressuring older adults to sign legal documents that they do not fully understand • misusing a power of attorney • not providing appropriate medication or medical attention • any form of physical abuse Elder abuse may take place in the home, the community or in an institution. Violence Based On SoCalled "Honour" Violence based on socalled "honour" happens when family members use violence to protect the family's honour. The victim, who is usually female, has behaved in ways that the family believes will bring shame or dishonour. For example, the family might not approve of: • dating or talking to boys • having sexual relationships outside marriage • wearing what the parents believe is the wrong clothing • refusing a forced marriage The family members believe that using violence will restore the family's reputation. The types of violence the family uses can include: • beatings • forced confinement • threats • counselling suicide • killing These actions are all crimes, and crimes committed in the name of socalled "honour" are often planned in advance with other family or community members. This violence is not limited to any particular ethnic or religious community. Designed by Freepik continued

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37 FAMILY VIOLENCE AWARENESS Forced Marriage Forced marriage happens when one or both people do not consent to the marriage. Forced marriage is not the same as arranged marriage, where people consent to the marriage. Family members sometimes use physical violence, abduction, forced confinement or emotional abuse to force the person into the marriage. Even if parents try to force their child to marry because they think it is good for the child, using threats or violence to do this is a crime. Children might also be the victims of forced marriages. Sometimes their families take them out of school to force them into marriages. This violence can occur in many ethnic or religious communities. Female Genital Mutilation Female genital mutilation is any procedure that injures or removes all or part of the external female genital organs for nonmedical reasons. It has no health benefits and it can cause pain and serious longterm health problems. Female genital mutilation of a child is a crime in Canada. Also, any person who helps mutilate a female child's genitals could be charged with a crime. This includes parents, doctors, or nurses. Even the person who asks someone else to do this to a child commits a crime. It is also against the law to take a child out of Canada to have this procedure done in another country. Female genital mutilation is child abuse and should be reported to the authorities. Impact On Canadians All members of society are affected by family violence. There can be long term impacts of violence on victims' physical and emotional health that can result in their inability to work, loss of wages, lack of participation in regular activities and limited ability to care for themselves and their children. Children may suffer longterm emotional, behavioural and developmental problems that can even lead them to be violent later in life. The financial consequences and the effects stretch far beyond to the victim's family, friends, and communities. There are also social costs. A considerable amount of Canadian resources are directed to address this issue including health care costs, costs to the justice system, to employers and businesses, and to social and community services www.justice.gc.ca What is family violence? continued

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39 FAMILY VIOLENCE AWARENESS FamilyViolence Hurts! You are not alone. Any person of any gender can be a victim of abuse. Abuse in relationships can affect people from any demographic cultural, national and ethnic origin, socioeconomic status, education, gender, age and physical or mental ability. Abuse can take many forms, which can include: harassment, verbal abuse, threats, financial abuse, psychological abuse, emotional abuse, spiritual abuse, neglect, damage to property, injury to pets, physical abuse, sexual abuse, and homicide. Perhaps you haven’t considered that you are the victim in an abusive relationship. Perhaps you haven’t considered that your behaviour may be abusive and hurtful in a relationship. No matter what your role; ABUSE is not okay. It’s not right. It’s very damaging. Being able to recognize abusive behaviour is an important step in moving forward. The next step is to seek help and support. Family violence hurts. It can cause physical and psychological harm. Family violence violates the victim's rights and freedoms. Family violence harms the healthy development of children and youth. If you are being abused, you need to know that you do not ‘deserve' it. You are not to blame for the violence or threats. Every human being has the right to live his or her own life without fear. There is nothing you can do to control the abuser's behaviour. The abuser is using abusive behaviour in an attempt to control you. If the abuse is allowed to continue it will probably get worse. There are many services available on PEI that can help you. If you are not ready to do anything right now, that is your choice and it is okay. Know the Warning Signs of Abuse If someone is abusive, they might: • put the victim down and act superior • do all of the talking and dominate the conversation • try to keep the victim away from family and friends • check up on the victim all the time • hit or slap the victim, or force sex • threaten to hurt the victim, children, pets or property • make direct or indirect threats involving firearms or other weapon continued Designed by Freepik

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41 FAMILY VIOLENCE AWARENESS continued FamilyViolence Hurts! continued • minimize his or her violent behavior • say he or she can’t live without the victim and threaten suicide • have a history of abusing others, even animals • act extremely jealous and suspicious • show no regard for the law • use access to a victim's children to harass • do other things to cause physically or emotionally hurt If someone is doing one or more of these things, there are warning signs of an abusive relationship. If you are being abused, you might: • make excuses for the abusive behavior • have limited access to your friends and family • have limited access to a phone, a computer or money • be nervous about talking when the person is there • try to cover up bruises • fear for your life and for the safety of children or pets • make excuses and avoid people on the street • be in denial and unable to see the risk • blame yourself for the violent behavior and “walk around on eggshells” • feel sad, lonely, withdrawn and afraid • be sick more often and miss work • be defensive and angry • cope by using drugs or alcohol If you have experienced any of these things, it is a warning sign that you are in an abusive relationship. The risk of abuse may be even greater if: • someone is pregnant or has young children • the person has access to weapons • the person has a history of abuse with others • the person has threatened to harm or kill, including children, pets or property • there is alcohol or drug abuse • the person has used physical violence in the past • the person is going through major life changes such as job loss or depression • the victim is involved in another relationship or the person thinks there is another relationship • there is a custody issue concerning the children • a person is recently separated or planning to separate Please take these warning signs seriously. Being able to recognize abusive behaviour is an important step in moving forward. The next step is to seek help and support. Make a Safety Plan If you are living in a violent relationship, you probably know that there can be a cycle to the violence. In some relationships, things may be calm for a while and then the tension and anger build up. Family members may feel they are “walking on egg shells”. An argument may start. Your partner may “explode” and become threatening or violent. This can be a very dangerous time and it is important to plan what you will do to keep yourself and your children safe. Victim Services and Family Violence Prevention Services can help you develop a plan tailored to your situation.

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43 FAMILY VIOLENCE AWARENESS FamilyViolence Hurts! continued Keep an emergency escape kit In case you have to leave quickly, it is a good idea to make copies of original documents over time. If you can safely do it, pack an emergency suitcase with necessities such as glasses, medications and treasured possessions. Pack and keep an emergency escape kit in a safe place that you can access at any time. The kit may be kept with a family member or friend, your lawyer or in a safety deposit box. This kit should include important personal items and papers for you and your children including: • an extra set of keys and cash; • court documents, legal documents and other court ruling(s); • driver's licence and vehicle registration; • health cards, medical and vaccination records; • birth certificates, passports, work papers and immigration papers; • Indian status cards; • deed/mortgage/lease papers; • car, life and home insurance papers • cheque book, bank cards, credit cards, bank records, bond certificates, etc; • social assistance records; • social insurance cards; • marriage certificate or divorce/separation papers; • photo of your abuser and any proof of abuse including photos, threatening notes, recorded telephone messages or your journal. • names/badge numbers of police officers you have dealt with in the past; • contact information for friends, family, lawyer, employer, animal shelter, and minister/priest/spiritual leader. Call 911 in case of emergency. You could also ask neighbours or friends to call the police if they hear or see anything suspicious. Determine your safe place Preplan a safe place to go with friends or family so you can leave in an emergency. Your safe place should be somewhere the abuser won't find you and where you will be protected. www.stopfamilyviolence.pe.ca Family violence affects the whole community. Find your role in ending violence.

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45 FAMILY VIOLENCE AWARENESS In spite of growing awareness of family violence, there continues to be a lot of myths about the subject, often based in a genuine misunderstanding of abuse and how it is experienced. Most of the myths about ‘abused women’ are not rooted in reality; in fact, they can be quite damaging as they lead to women receiving very negative responses when they do try to reach out for help. The negative attitudes and beliefs held by many people in the community tend to excuse and minimize the impacts of family violence by placing blame and responsibility on the victim. Victim blaming is still common and used to shift the focus away from an abuser and onto their victim. Conversations often focus more on what a woman did or didn’t do, rather than questioning the behaviour of the abuser. For example, assuming that it is a woman’s responsibility to “just leave” an abusive relationship takes all responsibility away from the abuser to change his behaviour. In reality, we know that leaving an abusive relationship is the most dangerous time for a woman; there are a number of things that need to be in place so that she is able to leave safely. In addition, attitudes about gender identity and roles influence how some people view family violence. From a very early age, society teaches us how we’re expected to look, speak, and behave based on our gender. For example, girls are generally expected to be polite, accommodating, and nurturing. Boys are generally expected to be strong, aggressive, and bold. These kinds of widely accepted beliefs about ‘appropriate’ gender roles and behaviours help to create an environment in which violence against women becomes normalized. Finally, there are misconceptions that social status (e.g., being poor, underemployed, or from certain cultural backgrounds) can be a cause of family violence. In reality, we know that family violence does not discriminate; abuse can occur in the lives of all people, regardless of race, income, or family background. Family violence: A cycle of abuse Before we can stop family violence, we must first understand how it works. Although every relationship is unique, experiences of family violence do tend to follow a clear pattern. Abuse typically occurs in a cycle of events or stages that repeat themselves over and over again. The abuse cannot be predicted and is Common myths and attitudes about family violence Designed by Freepik continued

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47 FAMILY VIOLENCE AWARENESS Common myths and attitudes about family violence continued not triggered by any one event. Over time, the space between the stages in the cycle tends to get shorter and the level of abuse increases. 1. ‘Honeymoon’ Stage During this stage, an abuser may: show extreme kindness; make apologies and promises that the abuse will never happen again; attempt to ‘fix’ things; and try to prevent a woman from leaving by being a ‘changed man.’ 2. ‘Forgiveness or Reconciliation’ Stage This can be a temporary time of peace. The woman is no longer receiving apologies or promises of change, but life seems ‘normal’ and things carry on as usual around the house. 3. ‘TensionBuilding’ Stage During this stage, things are beginning to become more stressful and tension builds over common family issues like money, children or jobs. There are often words or acts of intimidation. There is stress and a struggle for power and control; women often try to manage the situation by pleasing the abuser, giving in, or avoiding the abuse. 4. ‘Violent Incident’ Stage When tensions peaks, there is likely to be a violent incident. It could be any type of abuse and is usually triggered by an external event or by the abuser’s emotional state— not by a woman’s behavior. The timing of the ‘violent incident’ is usually unpredictable and often beyond a woman’s control. There are also incidents where a woman will spark a ‘violent incident’ so as to control when it will happen (such as, when the children aren’t present). This can cause a woman to blame herself; however, it should really be recognized as a survival tactic she uses to protect her children. Women who have experienced abuse over a long period of time can begin to lose sight of themselves. They often feel a sense of helplessness and believe that nothing is going to change. At this point, the abuser has achieved total ‘power and control.’ The abuser may demonstrate the power and control they have established over their partner through intimidating gestures or looks, making threatening behaviours or statements, or with actual physical contact. Often, women do not even realize that they are in a cycle of abuse, or they may even deny that it is happening. Meanwhile, this process gives an abuser a growing sense of power, domination, and control. The repetitive cycle typically speeds up and becomes more violent. It is a difficult cycle to break because of the constant return to the ‘honeymoon’ stage, which brings a renewed sense of hope that things will get better. As such, if there is no help or intervention, the abuse is likely to continue or may even become worse over time. www.fvps.ca

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49 FAMILY VIOLENCE AWARENESS I see signs of violence or abuse happening Taking action to help can save a life. STEP 1: Pay attention to your surroundings and the people around you. Look for attitudes and behaviours that put people down or that are aggressive, abusive or violent. Look for opportunities to intervene safely. STEP 2: Take action. You can help prevent abuse and violence by addressing harmful attitudes and behaviours. Do not put your own safety at risk. If you or anyone else is in immediate danger, get help. Call 911. • Show that you disapprove of harmful attitudes or behaviours by removing yourself from the group (refusing to be an audience). • Refuse to join in and discourage others from participating in abusive attitudes and behaviours. Point out the harmful, abusive, or violent behaviour you witness without passing judgment on the perpetrator. • Speak out. “I don’t think that’s funny.” “What you are saying or doing is wrong.” • Get support. Rally others nearby to join you. “I don’t accept this attitude or behaviour. It’s not okay with me. I hope it’s not okay with you either.” • Get help. Know what resources are available nearby or in the community to help prevent and address abuse and violence. You may be able to stop, interrupt or prevent abuse or violence by using safe and smart tactics to intervene. Do not put your own safety at risk. If you or anyone else is in immediate danger, get help. Call 911. • Be a good witness. Using words or your body, let the abuser and the targetted person know you are paying attention. Make a point of noticing details of what is happening. • Use distraction. If you witness someone being abused, ask the perpetrator for the time, clear your throat near them or do something else that distracts them from their behaviour. • Stand with the targetted person. Stand physically near them so that they and the abuser both know they are not alone. • Give control to the targetted person by speaking directly to them: “Are you okay?” “Are they bothering you?” Be ready to help if they ask for help, or to respect their choice if they don’t want help. • Trust your instincts. If you think someone is in danger, or if you are in danger, get help from police or security – or call 911. Community resources like those listed on page 75 77 can help. If I’m a bystander and care about preventing violence, what can I do to help? Acting to prevent or address violence does not always look like one heroic act. There are actions we can choose that fit our own safety, our personal style, our relationship with the victim or abuser, and the situation we witness.

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